Constructive Disagreement

“When we disagree, the goal should be to construct a bridge to the next conversation.” 

That comment from Julia Minson on my podcast Uncomfy stopped me cold. 

(Watch the full interview here: How to Make Someone Feel Heard (Even When You Say No) - Julia Minson) 

Minson is a professor at the Harvard Kennedy School who researches the psychology of disagreement and just came out with the book, “How to Disagree Better.” 

(FUN FACT: She first began studying disagreement as a competitive ballroom dancer wondering how partners could have so many explosive disagreements and still remain in-sync on the dance floor. Her own partner is now her husband. They continue to dance and disagree often.) 

Minson says constructive disagreement is essential to successful relationships. “I think of constructive disagreement as any disagreement that increases the odds of us speaking to each other again,” Minson told me. “We don't have to change our mind. We don't have to compromise. What you have to do is leave the conversation in a way that makes you want to do it again.”

A few weeks after speaking with Minson on Uncomfy, I ended up in a heated disagreement with my brother. We don’t often talk about things we really care about because our track record of constructive disagreement is not good. But this time felt different. It was a little rough at times. We both tend to raise our voices when we get engaged in a topic. Neither of us changed our minds, but we both acknowledged, at some point, that we could see where the other was coming from. And we walked away interested in doing more digging into our differences. 

Before speaking with Julia Minson, I wouldn’t have considered that a successful disagreement and I probably would have resolved not to bother trying again. But it made us want to have another conversation, so a bridge was built.  

I am happy to report that Engage has prepared a workshop to help you practice talking across difference. It is a skill and like any skill, it gets better with practice. Join a guided conversation led by experienced facilitators who will help you engage with difficult topics in a way that's curious, respectful, and maybe a little surprising. Democracy doesn't just need informed citizens, it needs people who know how to talk to each other.

Monday, May 11 7:00-8:30 pm, Utah State Hospital Chapel, 1300 E. Center St., Provo

Julie Rose